. H O M E S I C K .

because a dream without action is simply that.

2011-03-12T18:21:00.001-06:00

"Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, ...for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible.” - T. E. Lawrence

So, my last post was a bit nostalgic. And for good reason. The Hold-Out was a life-changing experience for me. So much so that my first tattoo was based off of it. (I promise, I'll blog that soon. I need to make a list of what I'm blogging next.)

BUT I'm a firm believer in T.E. Lawrence's words up there. If all we do is dream while asleep, or reflect on sweet moments in the past, we will accomplish nothing. We will have beautiful visions of a world filled with peace and harmony... but when we open our eyes, the world is the same as it always has been: broken.

So how do we take action?

If you haven't heard, this semester, Invisible Children is focusing on their newest initiative: The Congo Tour. Get excited, friends. This is their biggest project yet. The goal is a rehabilitation center in the DRC for former child soldiers as well as.... wait for it...
An EARLY WARNING RADIO TOWER NETWORK.

Did you read that? No seriously. I'm not joking.
Ladies and Gents, this a protection plan like nothing IC has done before. And I, for one, am ready to see it put into action.

So make sure you make it out to a screening of Tony, the newest update video. If you're in my region (which covers some Central & East Texas/Central OK, I think), we are so lucky as to have Tony himself speaking after the film. Find a screening near you, sign up for TRI (if you aren't a member already), and lets build some radio towers.

All of that being said:

As you know, IC is so good at putting together nation-wide events. And this year, it's huge. So huge... that even I'm going silent.

On April 25, IC is asking everyone to go silent for 25 hours. "Speak out... without speaking." Each participant with also try to raise $25 to go toward the Congo initiative.
4/25.
$25.
25 Hours.
25 Years of War.
25 Years too long.

Sign up here: http://www.invisiblechildren.com/25
You can order a sweet 25 Action Kit so that you'll be prepared for the event. And it gives you the opportunity to set up your very own fundraising page!
Show it off to your friends, ask them to donate, leave the URL on slips of paper at the food court, whatever you have to do.

And if you can't participate due to work or something, please donate to friends who are!

You know... I'm participating... so you can always donate to me!
http://bit.ly/e1wWpE I have no shame. But you're the one reading my blog. So surely you like me a little. I set a high goal of $500, but I believe that it is not impossible by any means.

So get to a screening (and bring tissues). Think about committing $25 a month with TRI. Sign up for the 25 event. Donate to someone who is.

Open your eyes. Dare to dream while awake. Dare to take action.

What a difference a day makes.

2011-03-09T23:39:00.005-06:00

One. Whole. Year.

My gosh it seems like last week. I still have to remind myself that it wasn't "last semester" or "a couple months ago." It's been an entire year since the Hold Out ended and my life has been so blessed since then. March 9, 2010 was full of laughter, screaming, tears, excitement, dancing, jumping, running, reflecting, bittersweet goodbyes, and the most incredible hugs I've ever known. I could give you a play by play of the day because I can recall almost every glance and every sweet moment of joy. But I'll spare you most of those details... because unless you were there, it would just seem like a bunch of jumbled emotion. And if you were there... you don't need my account of the chaos anyhow.

That being said, I would like to take this space to quote some good friends of mine regarding the experience:

"It is difficult to pinpoint the most humbling moment in the course of the 11 days, or rather, the instance of time in which I realized that with these people beside me, there was no chance of failure.From the moment local community members began risking their livelihoods to provide us with shelter, showers, and food; to the scene of 50 people waking at six in morning outside in 30 degree weather, without a word of complaining; to the map that showed the distances traveled by all; to the nights shared in music and laughter; or to the final night, when nobody left, and we slept one more time in a row of sleeping bags on the concrete.

That last night was the final confirmation that the people who had gathered under the shadow of the Chase skyscraper were a force to be reckoned with. The relentless cold, the hardness of the ground, the sacrifice of time had faded to the background as the sense of purpose and community trumped all concerns." - Kenneth Transier

“The holdout was more than just convincing Senator Coburn to say yes, it was when a lot of us woke up to how much we still had to learn. In Oklahoma, I watched the effects of a father telling his son he was proud of him for the first time, a deli worker spend his hard earned money on feeding the crazy young people outside the building, a hungry demonstrator give his lunch to the homeless man down the street, and the list goes on. I learned how powerful a community can be, how passion can carry you through the most frustrating times, and that I’ve gained the best friends I could ask for.” – Abby Freeman

"Remember that time when a group of total strangers came together and fought for something bigger than ourselves, and how we became family in just 11 days?
Remember that time when we thought we were helping change the lives of others for the better, but in reality it was us who had been changed?
Remember that time when we made the impossible possible just by pursing & fighting for justice, stubbornly persevering under trial, and loving the hell out of people?
Remember how a small group of people with no political power or authority changed the heart of the most stubborn senator, and now a bill was signed into L-A-W?
...Ya, me too."

(And this is just the beginning)." - Jessica Walizer

-Mark Nehrenz

Know that it was unbelievable. That time stood still for us as we ran and held on to each other amidst the tears of utter joy and disbelief. And then, it died down and we stood together once again as a family dedicated to peace. Knowing that this wasn't the end of our fight, but that this was a huge step. And that was breathtaking. I remember looking over and seeing Kenneth just laying on the concrete, staring up at the building, or at the sky, or perhaps just looking. It made me think of the distance we'd come; of the way we'd grown together; of the hundreds of people who supported us even if they couldn't be there; of the 24 years of war that still raged on, but that there was a small glimmer of hope for an end. It was so humbling to look around and know that I was surrounded by some of the most insanely dedicated activists, but that our job was not even close to done.
I slept under the stars in downtown Oklahoma City for one last time that night, and with the blanket of night came the heaviness of reality. Yes, we had gotten the hold lifted. And yes, we had become a family. And yes, that bill went on to be signed into law on May 24, 2010. But until the war is completely over, we have to continue to remember the lives lost by thousands of Central Africans. That this is not a game of "who can sleep out the longest" or "how many phone calls to a Senator's office can I make today?" This is real. This is life. So many families live in fear even still. We still have work to do. The Holdout represented the drive and love embedded in the hearts of young people across the nation by bringing together a small portion of those who have been involved in the peace efforts. And Kenneth's blog on Resolve today was a reminder that those 12 days outside also represent the actions taken to hold our government accountable for the human rights violations all across the world; that we will not sleep comfortably until they take a stand with us; that we will persevere through the roadblocks that try to knock us off the beaten path we have chosen.

We will stand in solidarity. We will not back down. We will see this through to the end. And you better believe that you'll see 50 familiar faces rejoicing together when at last the peace comes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Someday, the light
will shine like a sun
through my skin
& they will say,
What have you done
with your life?

& though there are
many moments i think
i will remember,
in the end,
i will be proud to say,
i was one of us."


Did I mention there was screaming and jumping? There was.

when being at the top feels like the bottom.

2011-02-02T17:13:00.000-06:00

I'll be real with you guys. All 5 of you who read this.

For the first time ever, I'm at the very top of my "healthy weight range" for my height/age. I've always tended to be around the middle of it-never really skinny, but never huge.

And now, even the thought of stepping on a scale again anytime soon makes me want to cry.

I've been working out, trying to eat healthier, trying not to snack on crap I don't need. But nothing seems to help. And nothing seems to stick for long.

And, I know. I'm not fat. Whatever. I just don't feel good anymore. I'm to the point where I don't care how YOU think I look... but I feel gross. And no, I don't want to be 100 lbs. I don't have any expectations to ever look like an Urban Outfitters model or have legs like Abby Van Duker. But I want to feel good about myself again, and I can't seem to get there.

Here's the deal: At the start of the summer, I was already bigger than where I wanted to be. But I've gained constantly since July. For a while, I didn't care. I've heard that happens a lot. People either stop eating or they eat all the time. I was clearly the latter. It's almost like I decided that since I lost huge part of my heart, I would make up for it in resees and ice cream. I became empty and needed something to fill me. And though I turned often to the Lord and to prayer, I turned just as often to food. Not surprisingly, junk food didn't fill me. But I start school again and things get even more stressful as I'm trying to finish my degree. Late nights working on my capstone turned into eating crap again. Busy days left me no energy to work out or to even do much.

So here I am. 6 and a half months later, almost 20 lbs over what I want to be, feeling like my efforts to lose weight have been futile, and that I'm losing myself behind it.

And then there's the fact that eating healthy requires more money than I have. Which is none. I'm having a killer hard time finding a job, and so I'm sitting at home all day cleaning or sorting boxes and so what better time filler than snacking? And my house doesn't exactly keep the healthiest snacks around.

I really want to start weight watchers but, as mentioned before, I have no money. That would give me some form of accountability program. I need to see people who are sticking to a healthier lifestyle and who are seeing results. So, maybe I just need to let people know. I need people to hold me accountable. People who know me and aren't afraid to call it like it is. I'm putting my initial goal weight on my wall along with the weight I'm at now and I'm going to try to keep to a healthy meal plan. Not an atkins or south beach diet program that would never last- but scheduling workouts and choosing water over sodas and things like that. Steps towards losing weight and staying healthy.

Can you guys be praying for me? It seems so silly. I'm just at a point where I'm in a new place, with honestly no friends, and I'm just having trouble keeping order in my life. Plano is horribly lonely thus far and I want to be able to at least start regulating some part of it. So can you be praying that I find some accountability and enough motivation to stick with this. I haven't felt a lot of motivation for many things lately, so this may be harder than it should be. Haha.

So there it is. A bunch of heart jumble and how I'm dealing with moving. Which isn't too well.

There's a lot of changes I'm having to make, and adjusting is weirder than I expected it. This is just the thing that's kind of pushing me over the edge. Watching myself gain weight and not knowing how to even start to get my life back.

Oy.

the story of His glory.

2011-01-25T22:18:00.004-06:00

See, you come to the end of Malachi, and we see a mighty indictment against the people of Israel. This is to be the story of His glory?? It seems as though the people He placed on earth to display His kingdom have surely failed! Surely, His plan has failed, for His people have RUINED His name.

For 400 years we wait. After 400 years of silence, a whisper laughs across the expanse of the heavens!

"A King will be born."

untitled.

2011-01-23T00:43:00.002-06:00

Half of the time, I find myself asking a simple question.

"Everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time

for the important things in her life."

"Janelle. What are you doing?"

reminding me it's alright to dream.

2011-01-21T02:06:00.001-06:00

Wore It Deep (The Tree Ring) from Destin Cretton on Vimeo.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Thanks, Invisible Children, for posting this.

(Otter are sometimes called the clowns of the wilds.)

Beats. Books. Blogs.

2011-01-09T03:00:00.004-06:00

Battlestar Galactica!

So, this was not what I was planning on writing when I got on here, but I don't have the energy to be creative. My head hurts, I'm tired, and I hate packing. But here's the deal:

I want suggestions on new music, new books, and new blogs to read. I had a conversation with a friend over coffee and we agreed to exchange good stuff we learned of. So I guess the first step of that is actually finding those good things we both are seeking.

That's where you come in- unless "you" means "Lauren Hunter" because... well... I can't give you new music if you gave it to me, eh? And it's very possible that LHunt is the only person who reads this blogs. Who knows.

What inspires you? You turn on that song, read this book, get updates from such and such blog, and you just feel motivated, creative, ready. I want to hear those. So, pull up your bookmarked blogosphere pages or check out that well-worn bookcase and throw some suggestions my way.

I'd love you forever.

...Not that I don't anyway.

(Please forgive my blogging tonight. I have a migraine and may not make much sense.)

I planned

2011-01-03T01:49:00.001-06:00

on blogging today.

But that didn't happen.

Hopefully tomorrow.

Until next time,

glory glory glory.

2010-12-08T00:27:00.000-06:00

There are days when all I can do is smile, laugh, dance.

Today was one of those days.
(Even while sitting still for an hour and a half in Voters and Campaign Strategies)

I'm so thankful for the Lord's blessings, for the friends and family He has given me. For much-needed conversation and for coffee with friends.... and, well, for coffee. For blue dresses and yellow slips of paper. For Nehemiah's lessons and a church body willing to delve into the hardest of truths. For beautiful music and the anticipation of snow.

I know that not every day can be today, so I want to mark it down.

Janelle, remember His blessings.

Anger vs. Peace.

2010-11-29T03:28:00.003-06:00

I have never needed this more than I do right now.

on celebrating birthdays.

2010-11-24T00:47:00.001-06:00

They left me

with your shadow,

saying things like

"Life is not fair."

& I believed them

for a long time.

But today,

I remembered

the way you laughed

& the heat

of your hand

in mine

& I knew that

life is more fair

than we can

ever imagine

we are there to live it.

Today is your birthday and I miss you. As usual. But today is also a glorious reminder of the work you did here, what brought our little family together. Obama is releasing his strategy to stop LRA violence and rebuild the communities in Northern Uganda today, Chris. You'd be so excited :) We all worked together and the day is finally here. Wish you could be here with me to celebrate. I'll keep an extra close eye out for it today and we won't back down if it's not up to par. Loving you always and loving the family we all became a part of. We're pushing on, we're celebrating your life, your legacy.

Happy Birthday, my dear friend. Love you.

Failure. Brokenness. Forgiveness. Repeat.

2010-11-14T23:38:00.000-06:00

I would say that I fail at 10 out of 10 things that I do. There is not a single thing in my life that I have been great at and not messed up most of the time.

Today, I have broken down 4 or 5 times already and I'm sure I'm not done. And it's not that there has been nothing good that has happened. Work was fine and I can't describe how much I love those kids. Walmart rides with the internationals was a blast, as per usual. Got to wear my favourite coat for the first time this season. The weather is cold, but at least it's been sunny. But still, things hurt me more than usual, bitterness is swelling in my heart even as I type this, and I literally kicked my textbook across the room in frustration. As if you needed proof that I'm a sinful being, there you go. Total depravity of man right there. I get so angry at the amount of things that I can't do and the list piles up and up. Schoolwork, mobilization, prayer, consistency in my walk with the Lord, consistency in my friendships. I'll spare you the rest.

So it is with humility and disappointment in myself that I sit here and say (type?) that I am a failure.

Always have been, always will be.

It's a wonder that the Lord still accepts me into His arms and allows me to be a part of the work He is doing.

Really. I'm always in shock that He looks at me, and my track record, and still says, "Oh, hey, Janelle. I'm going to let you be a part of my mission in reaching the nations. Let me bless you with sweet time with Harun, Ilya, Victor & Maria." I'm still in awe that He has given me guidance from a sweet woman like Kelsey as I prepare to graduate in a month and a half. Though we've met together once and we only have a short time, and she doesn't think of herself as a good mentor, I'm already aware of the ways she will challenge me to meet with the Lord and apply His word to my life. I'm amazed consistently by how he takes every broken piece of me and uses it in one way or another.

I fail, and tonight I'm feeling it almost more than ever- and I'm humbly asking for prayer from those of you who read this. But somehow, I know that though I am frail and my humanity is so blaringly obvious at times like these, that God is good. He is sovereign. He made me this way for a reason and He is sanctifying me daily, and will use me as I grow in Him.

Movers and Shakers.

2010-11-11T14:18:00.000-06:00

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend me your ear:

I mean, you may not remember this or anything... but on May 24th, this little bill called the LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act got signed into LAW. It was just a tiny accomplishment that took the help of just a handful of people. Practically like 5 or 6 people at Resolve and IC. Maybe 7.

... No...

Wait...

Eff. That's not right at all. Screw the 5th of November... Remember Remember the 24th of May! (Though that doesn't quite have a nice rhyme to it. Work with me here.)
Guys, we ALL worked TOGETHER to pass that bill, and now, look how time flies. President Obama has 8 DAYS to get that plan of action out.

Did you see that?

8 freaking days.

The staff at Resolve Uganda, along with activists across the nation, have been working their butts off to ensure that this strategy that President Obama decides upon is not just a halfway thought through plan, but rather an effective and holistic strategy to end Joseph Kony's reign, and end the suffering that Central Africa has been dealing with for 24 years.

So, just like we needed your help in getting that bill signed into law, now it's time for some follow through!

We want 10,000 signatures on this pledge stating that we are waiting for that strategy and are expecting a comprehensive plan of action. Have you signed it yet? Go here. Now.
http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/2241/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=4766

It takes less than 5 minutes to sign that. Use your voice to fight for those without it. We refuse to stand for injustice. So speak up. Be heard. If you don't say a word, everything will stay the same way.

on flirting.

2010-11-02T19:54:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal, I want to flirt with my husband.

And I don't just mean when we're dating, or the first few years of marriage... but 50 years down the road when I'm frumpy and he's balding.

I want be 55 and still buy lingerie to wear for him, because I hope he still thinks I'm sexy.

I want to text him flirty texts and surprise him with his favourite dinner, served while wearing a catwoman costume... because why the heck not?

I hope we make fun of each other all the time, I know I'm ridiculous... and if he's married to me, he'll have to be.

I want him to bring me tulips and lilies when we are old, because he knows me well enough to not get me roses.

I want to dance with him.. and not just that wimpy swaying back and forth... I want to tango, to salsa, to waltz with him on into the night. Put on a long dress... or maybe just a nightgown, and dance.

I want to travel the world with him, and live overseas with him, keeping a record of all the places we've visited... or, well.. nevermind.

I hope we people watch. That sounds so silly, but you know it's fun. We'll imitate the new couples as they are first falling in love, and ooh and ahh over each other like the young marrieds do. We'll laugh at awkward outfits and funny looking puppies, and roll our eyes at the pulled together business man who walks with an arrogant strut.

I want to give him my "dear future husband" journal at our wedding... and start a new one: full of fun facts and cute things that made me think of him during the day, so that each week, he has something new that I reveal or a new secret I let him in on (like how smokin hot I think he looks in his old geezer glasses).

I desperately hope that our idea of a good time when we are 65 is not just watching a sappy movie, but that we have picnics, set up a hammock in the woods, hike, make matching tie-dye shirts.

I want to fall madly in love with my husband every single day, and I want to grow with him in Christ as Christ directs us. I want to be overwhelmed with how much he listens to the Lord in the hard times, and I want him to be the leader during rough patches. I know that there will be fights and anger, but I trust that having Christ as our center will help us get through our problems.

And I hope that even after all the sickness, laughter, tears, babies, headaches, joy, family losses, and arguments...

I hope that we flirt.

and thus I make it my ambition to preach the Gospel...

2010-11-01T21:31:00.000-05:00

I get so angry with apathy, with ignorance that people don't even try to cure, with self-absorption.

Each week, I see it grow in our group, and it makes me want to cry. What has happened? How can you take what you read in the Word and in these books that challenge you, and then not actually apply it? We discuss them, we "ooh" and "that's so true" and "that really challenged me," but when are we changing the way we live our life because of it?

Get out and do something. Don't be so selfish with what the Lord has given.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

We are blessed to be a blessing.

Here in America, we just stop after "we are blessed."

You have a car? Give international students rides to Walmart. You have clean water? Drink it for 10 days instead of buying other drinks, then take the money that you would have spent and donate it to build wells (http://10days.cc). You have a free Saturday? Host a carwash/book drive/garage sale/etc for Invisible Children. You want to see the world reached for His glory? Pray for the nations. Go to the nations. Get out of your comfort zone. Go.

I'm sorry, I just don't want to explode on someone.... so I wrote this out. It's a mess, as I'm not focusing well. Don't expect any fluidity, any poetry or eloquent phrases. I'm just so frustrated with the state that American Christians are in. There are people who are dying without any sort of access to the Gospel, and what are we doing to change that? We are hosting game nights with our local church group and discussing theology with each other...

Good plan. Because when Jesus commands us to go and make disciples of all nations, He really means to take what we know, grow it in our own lives, and then refuse to share it to those who are spiritually hungry. Because when we are told to serve the poor, the widows, the orphans, He really means to just serve the people in our church, because they are the ones who pour back into our lives... and really it's all about us. Please don't get me wrong here. It is GOOD to discuss theology. It is GOOD to grow one another within the church, and to have fellowship with believers. That's Biblical. But there is so much more. How are we applying it?

And I know that not all American Believers are like this, so don't be offended if you're one who stands up for justice, and takes Truth to the nations.

I also know that it can be a difficult balance- social justice and the Gospel. Trust me, I'm guilty of putting justice before the Gospel on multiple occasions, and have been convicted hardcore of that. But we can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. We can't just assume that things are fine for everyone. That just because we are living in America means that we are loved more by the Lord, and thus we can choose to turn our backs on our brothers and sisters across the world who are living in oppression. Take Love with Truth. Take it to the Nations.

It's Biblical. I promise.

ten twenty. twenty ten.

2010-10-22T15:55:00.000-05:00

‎

"460 miles later and that voice will never sound the same again." - Nathan Weger

Truth.

I'm still blown away by how incredible Sufjan was on Wednesday night. I almost feel bad for anyone who has had to deal with me the past couple weeks, as I think it was all I've talked about. Music has such a power- It can draw people together, it can inspire, it can bring laughter, it can heal. Few musicians have been able to do for my soul what Sufjan has, and so the chance to see him live was just... insane. Clearly, I'm still not able to put into words how much I loved it, so pardon my poor sentence structure or the fact that this isn't the most interesting blog in the world. And I may seem like I'm putting a musician on a pedestal, which I try not to do, but his music has seen me through an insane amount of times: good, bad, weird, incredible, awful. And it was fitting that the concert was a couple days after the 3 month mark.

Bah. I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

I'm just..

When I die, when I die

I'll rot.

But when I live, when I live

I'll give it all I've got.

on losing your best friend.

2010-10-13T00:28:00.001-05:00

At first, you shake. A lot. At least, I did. I could barely scroll through my phone to find his number. And call him. Twice. Because along with that shaking is the utter disbelief that the person you love so much is gone. Then, with realization, comes the scream. It's the scream that you hope they can hear... but no one else. I don't want anyone else to see that I just broke into a million pieces. Who wants people to actually see their hurt? You think to yourself, "If I scream his name loud enough, he will hear... he will come back". You cry. Uncontrollably. It doesn't matter how many arms are holding you. None of them are the ones you want. And you think at that point that no arms will ever matter again.

The next few days, weeks even, bring you no sleep. Many a night spent face down in the prayer room, calling out to the Lord to hear and comfort you. You feel guilty when you laugh... which isn't a whole lot. You think no one understands. You get angry easily, and feel bad about it. You read through every text, or instant message,listen to that last voicemail. Once.... well.. twice.. okay.. all the time. It's almost funny how much you look at their FB... just in case you missed some secret message saying he is actually just hiding out- he always said you two would run away and move to Croatia... he just got a headstart. You think about it, and laugh, which makes you cry some more. Everything reminds you of him... or her. You have songs that you listen to on repeat. And you cry.

Scripture.

Prayer.

Hugs.

Tears.

Worship.

Tears.
Scripture.

Hugs.

Tears.

Repeat.

I think at some point, you realize that you can't continue on like this, but you don't know how to stop hurting. You know that you have to stop purposefully reminding yourself of them or else you will never be able to go on with life. But you don't want to lose their memory: how they brushed your tears away, the sound of their voice.

There is an emptiness that just doesn't seem to be filled. You wake up, and it's there, like a rooster that wont stop crowing. You can tell it to shut up, but it mocks you and crows louder. Sometimes, you forget. You wake up from a dream and expect a wake up text. And you feel the pain all over again as soon as that rooster opens its darned mouth.

A week after Chris passed, I wrote his name in the sand. As the tide came in, it washed it out and I did absolutely everything I could to not scream. To not throw myself in and beg that the ocean tide took me away. Almost every day for a month brought a moment like that for me.

But you start school again, you get into a routine. You cry a little less. You write letters to friends to say how much you love them. You write letters to the one you lost in hopes that they can read it. You ride a jetski by yourself for the first time, and when you feel like you're flying, you squeal a joyful "Thank you!" to the one who taught you to fly without fear. You laugh with a bit less guilt, but it's still hard to not cry afterward. You continue to think of them daily, but at least it's getting a little easier.

And then, after almost three months, you realize that you haven't searched for that last text conversation in a week or two. You watch Pride & Prejudice and don't want to throw a pillow at the screen. You let yourself notice the cute guy who is showing you attention. You laugh a deep, rich laugh that doesn't turn into a sob. Slowly, your ratio of bad days to good gets less and less. And you know in your soul that you are not betraying anyone for it. You find yourself more thankful for life than you've ever been before. Thankful for the precious, sweet time with the one you lost and thankful that the Lord is helping you.

And you realize that you're moving on. You don't love them any less. And sure, there are days that grab you or memories that take you by surprise and it's almost hard to stand. And though you never want to lose those memories or the feeling you had when he held you, you know that you don't have to hold on to them so tightly. They will always be there. You look around at the changing season, and take a deep breath of fresh autumn air.

You're breathing, you're smiling, you're finally alive.

because

2010-10-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

So, somehow, I've never seen this video. It's from over a year ago...

Oh, best friend and little. We should sing together more.

what in the world? (pretty literally)

2010-10-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just found the "stats" tab on my blog the other day (maybe I'm a little behind...) and was pretty shocked by this. I mean, the US number makes sense. It's a bit higher than expected, though I bet quite a few of those times it was me coming back here, debating whether I had time to post or not. And I can see the 2 from Australia. Most likely Chad?

But how in the world did I get 14 views from Turkey?? And ALL IN ONE DAY? Those were all from yesterday.

This counter just blows my mind. Now I want everyone from another country to comment. That's just cool. You're free to think my blog is pointless, because most of the time it is, but I think it's crazy how people from nine countries have looked at this in the past month..

Okay, freak out over.

Have a good day. <3

just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining.

2010-10-04T00:30:00.000-05:00

Don't.

Don't you dare.

We must make a choice: Life or death. I'm choosing life, every minute of every day.

It's dark, and there are waves hitting me that I can't even see. It's wearing on the soul, and it would be so easy to rest; to lay down. But if I lay down and let the waves take me over, I'll never be able to get up. I'll die on this beach. Don't give in. The shoreline is so beautiful when you wait it out until the sun hits the edge of the horizon. Wait for it to sprinkle it's light across the waves, and watch them dance underneath it. The sun didn't burn out, I promise. It's just hidden from view for a little while longer. Hold on.

We're here, if you'll open your eyes. Take heart, my little one. We understand.

Larov

2010-09-30T17:08:00.000-05:00

“Mostly,” said the roof to the sky,
“the distance between you and I is endlessness;
But a while ago two came up here,
And only one centimeter was left between us.”

privilege is relative.

2010-09-27T21:46:00.000-05:00

"There are those who expect
the unexpected.
Those who cast their vote
for hope.
Those who believe that good
will triumph over evil.
We are those people...
We are the masses, misfits, moguls, media, Millennials,
doing what we can now,
with what we have-
Our Voice.
Our impact is only limited
by our willingness to change ourselves.
We are abducting ourselves
to pose the question to our leaders:
Is their life as valuable as mine?
We are shaping human history
by closing the divide between
resources and responsibility,
distance and disinterest,
awareness and action.
This is about redefining our role in the world-
putting purpose before profit.
It's about ending the longest running war in Africa,
setting the precedent for justice,
and finishing what was started.
We are here to amplify the chorus of their cries.
Rescue Joseph Kony's Child Soldiers."

I work with some of the most precious kids ever. I mean, ever. There is a boy named Caleb who used to make me "special picnics" and would freak out when his sister tried to sit down. Katie and her cousin Lincoln apparently wrote a cheer for me when I was gone one week. Isaiah has the most contagious smile and beautiful eyes. And Avery... man... I wish I was as free-spirited now as she is as a preschooler.

Yesterday at work, I talked to my co-worker about my involvement with Invisible Children and Resolve. She told me she had seen something recently on the news about it and asked if Kony really did take young children, or if they were a bit older. I looked around the room and took in the sight of my precious four and five year olds, and suddenly pictured them trying to carry a gun... or run from one. It absolutely took my breath away.

As it should.

It's easy to forget to put faces on the numbers of children affected by the LRA atrocities in central Africa. It's so easy to be so "patriotic" that you worry first and foremost about America and "the needs at home." It's so easy to make these stories of war simply that- stories. But how can I ever look at the kids at my work and not see our African brothers and sisters? How can I, one day, have children of my own and want them to be protected, knowing that I did nothing to protect the children of mothers just like me in central Africa? Mothers who hurt, just like me.

I believe it is our duty as members of a global family to rise up and fight against injustice. To use the voices that God has given us to cut loose the ties of poverty and slavery. Invisible Children has taught me that "some people are born into privilege... but privilege is relative. And what we have really been given is a responsibility to give back." I want to be one who gives back. What will you do with the life, the voice, the privilege you have been given?

"We're all here in this world for some reason or another. If you're aware of injustice, you can either ignore it, say there is nothing you can do about it, complain about it and not do anything, or put your energies into doing something about it... I don't believe that just because one person is born on one side of some imaginary line and another person is born on the other side means that a lot of people should be getting screwed through no fault of their own." -- Ben Cohen

wwjd bracelets, jelly bands, livestrong, silly banz, you.

2010-08-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

I hate that you've become a fad that people want to take refuge in while they can. Your name becomes as cliche as... well, as cliche as cliches get.

My sparrow. My tree. The one who pushes me to fly, but the one I always fly back to. The one who helps me find my grounding, my roots.

To some of us, you are not a bracelet to be worn and shown off for status.

I have the dinosaurs, grapes, AND a soccer ball. All you have is the heart.

((i'll take the heart))

John 12.24

2010-08-05T02:47:00.001-05:00

I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain
the words that dance between people
for me, it will always be this way,
walking in the light,
remembering being alive together

Love you and miss you so much tonight. I'm jealous of you dancing with others as you praise Jesus... as He stands in front of you. Selfishly, I want you to come back. To sit on my porch and drink ice tea with me and eat ice cream. To skype me so I can hear your voice one more time. But nothing I can offer could ever compare to being with the Lord. "Well done, my good and faithful servant."- the words you always wanted to hear coming from the King of all creation. I know He said them to you. And one day, I will hug you again with all the joy we once had plus some. One day I will rejoice in heaven and praise the Lord of Lords with you. Until then, I miss you and will carry you with me all the way. I know that even in your death, so much fruit will come forth for the harvest. You sought to live your life as a testimony to who God was- and you did it, Chris. You shone so bright into the world, it was a bit blinding! Your life, your joy, your passion; I hold them so close to my heart that they mix with my own and overflow. I will never forget you and the legacy you have left behind. I love you, and I'm thankful everyday for the time I shared with you. What a wonderful man of God, what a wonderful friend, what a wonderful creation He made you. :)

"Please don't think I take it lightly to leave you.

I love you and will miss you,

but know that this absence will only be temporary.

I'll see you soon."

-Chris Baillie

November 24, 1985 - Jul 18, 2010

The man who never tiptoed.

2010-07-20T04:07:00.000-05:00

All around you people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip or dance, just don't tiptoe.

Words fail me. So I chose to quote others.

I love you so much.

Thank you for helping me learn to jump. I was so excited to tell you that I'm doing it. I'm jumping. No turning back now. You always ran headfirst into life, Chris. Your life was an example of living boldly.

I love you for running, for hopping, for skipping, and for dancing. For being you.

I miss you already.

rejoice in the life.

2010-07-12T04:41:00.000-05:00

What do you do when your heart is broken for your family?

I mean, how do I even express that? It's just... stunning. My IC family is torn, and I can do nothing.

I want to do something. Something to heal the wounds that today caused.

God, work in mighty ways. Nate's death- along with the many Ugandans killed today- will not be in vain. I don't understand your ways, and I never will. But I know that You are sovereign, Father. I know that You have a plan and that You use even the worst of events for Your glory. Be with the Henns, and with Lindsey, and the families of the Ugandans killed today. Be with the IC family in this time of brokenness, and move in the hearts of those left in the wake of this bombing.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit" -John 12.24

Friends,

I don't say enough how much I love you. If I could hold every one of you in my arms right now, I would. I beg of you, don't take today for granted. I thought today of the NY Times article I read not too long after the bombing. It said that "one American" had died. That's a headline I've read so many times. "Plane crashes in Bahamas. 24 injured, 4 killed." "Explosion at Auto Factory Leaves 17 Dead." Numbers.

But today it was a member of the family I hold so close to my heart. That "one" meant something. These numbers I read are not just random people. They are someone's child; someone's girlfriend or boyfriend; someone's teacher; someone's father or mother; someone's best friend. How often do I just assume that those people in my life will continue to be there tomorrow?

Each one of you who reads this has shared in my life to some degree. Some more than others, but you have left an imprint on my life and I am so grateful every time I think of you. The beautiful hearts and souls I see in each and every one of you is absolutely breathtaking. I don't know why God has shown me such grace in giving me you, but He has, and I am in awe of the lives I am surrounded by.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Tomorrow, at 4.34 PM I will be joining Natalie Sheehan in dancing my heart out in memory of Nate Henn. It will be a celebration of his life, and his sacrifice. It will be a celebration of the life I have been given, and the friends I have been blessed with. Rejoice in the life, my beloved. We will not always have the chance to dance.

roses.

2010-06-14T01:52:00.000-05:00

Please meet me here, Father.

I need You to meet me here.

Today was just challenging. And I'm so thankful for the Lord providing me a roommate out here who understands a lot of what I'm going through. She and I are very similar- not only theologically but also just in our interests and the people who we are surrounded by at college. I love that I can bounce my opinions off of her, and she helps me process what I'm learning. I'm looking forward to spending this summer learning and growing in the Lord with Kristen. Gracious Father, I praise you for Kristen. For her beautiful heart to serve you and glorify you. For her willingness to obey by joining SAI and really learning to love the sisters as Your children. I know that there is so much we can learn from each other, and I just ask that you bless our time together- let it be sweet, and glorifying, and edifying.

Tonight, at church, I had a hard time just meeting with the Lord. So much was blocking my heart and I just found it impossible to fully focus. But I needed this. This time to see what I had on my heart and see what I needed help changing. It's like Claude said this morning-- We may have a completely pure ocean. No specks of garbage or oil. But the minute you put some debris in it, it becomes tainted. and no matter how much pure water we pour into that ocean, the only way to make it clean again is to pull the impurity out. When my heart has something that is not of You, I can't make it pure by pouring good things, but rather by repenting, focusing on You and Your glory, and asking you to help me.

So Father, meet me. Form my heart to be like Yours. My being cries out to you for you to come and speak in my stillness.

Only You are worthy of my praise, my longing, Lord. Fill me with Your presence.

summer girl.

2010-06-06T02:25:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, I said goodbye to my duplex. I left my handprint in an awful shade of yellowish tan paint called "Almond Paste." Don't worry, the handprint is behind the cabinet in the bathroom. As LB and I groaned over the poor choice of paint color chosen by our landlord, and as I scrubbed every last bit of the house clean, I decided I wanted to leave a mark on the house, as it had on me. So I decided that a handprint would be perfect. We had taken the cabinet off the wall so it was easier to paint, and staring at the white square on the wall where the shelf had been, it just felt right.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this house has seen me through a lot of things. A roller coaster of emotions, roommates, and seasons. I turned off the air conditioner that two years ago, I would have given anything for. Instead, we laid on the floor, listening to Ella and Louis, too hot to move. Books went into storage until August 15. Books about soccer that once held concert tickets and children's books about a bad hair day. I packed away the speakers that have been the source of a few of the best dance party days ever. I closed the blinds that were finally fixed only a few months ago and replaced the back porch lightbulb- you know, the fixture that was filled with bugs. And I had a choice to make. These flashbacks, these moments that I was running through in my mind, what would I do with them? Would I keep them with me, allowing the hurt I felt to hold me back? Or allowing the moments of bliss cloud my view of what I am blessed with currently?

And so when I walked out that door, I locked the door on the memories I had made inside these walls. It's time to move forward. To be thankful for the beautiful moments, but not dwell.

I set "Crooked Teeth" as my ringtone, as it was two summers ago. But, it will no longer be a reminder of... of anything. It's just a ringtone. And it's 100 degrees, so it's fitting.

I cut and colored my hair... for me. And no one else.

I heard Hide and Seek and sang along.

I watched Anime with girls I adore and had a blast.

I drove past Falls Creek, and smiled.

And most importantly, I realized that Winter is finally over. Summer is here, and I have never been more ready. Bring it on.

Extraordinary

2010-05-24T16:47:00.000-05:00

"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody.”
-Henry Longfellow

It's all led to this.

5 and a half years of my life. Hundreds of phone calls and letters and explanations and prayers. Sleeping in churches and parking lots and outside the chase building. Countless tears and hugs and hellos and goodbyes.

It's all led to this.

What is my heart feeling right now? I can't even explain a bit of it. (I mean, for one thing, I can have coffee again after tonight! And sleep in a bed for the first time since Feb 26!) It's so surreal- that this law that we have worked so hard for is finally about to be signed. In 15 minutes, efforts to put the LRA to an end will not just be a movement of young people, but a law signed by President Obama himself. Tears and smiles won't do today justice. Nor will the celebratory dinner and drink with Jessica and Liz. Today is monumental.

I am so honored to have been a part of this. To meet hundreds of others who have hearts like mine and who have sacrificed time, money, jobs, school for people they have never met, nor will most likely ever meet. Beautiful souls like Cacey Myrick- who watched the documentary on a Wednesday, came to the Rescue in OKC on Friday, rescue road with me to Wichita, and signed up for lobby days. Cacey continues to be a huge supporter of IC, promoting peace in Uganda whenever she can. We need people who see a problem and take action like her. Souls like my beloved Becky Dale and John Beaton, who have been fighting for this for what seems like forever. Who have logged numerous hours calling and writing and putting their lives on hold to see this war's end. Souls like every single person at the OKC hold out- giving up every bit of privacy and comfort to stand in solidarity with the children of Northern Uganda and to let Senator Coburn, and the rest of congress, know that we would not back down. And souls like Lisa Dougan, who inspires us all to fight with all our hearts against evil and to love without abandon.

But we must not forget why we have done this all, and who we are doing it for. As I've quoted Lisa before:

"We are not heroes. We are just people doing what is expected of us and using our voices to help the voiceless. "

These children are the ones we are fighting for. For them and for the millions of others around the world held in bondage. Today is a huge victory. Finally these invisible children of central Africa are being seen and recognized by the United States government. I am an ordinary person. And most likely, you are an ordinary person. But we are ordinary people who have recognized that it takes people like us, working together, doing what we have been called to do to change the world.

To do the extraordinary.

This battle is won, and victory is ours. But the war rages on. Continue to pray and to seek justice for the children of Northern Uganda. Peace is within reach, it can be done. We've seen what a group of crazies can do. I pray that you don't stop now. That you never stop striving for peace.

Today, we stand, holding hands with one another and with the children of central Africa and issue a warning to Joseph Kony: "Your reign is almost over." Today, we lift high the families who have fled their towns and say to them: "We see you! Keep hope!" Today, we look down the track and can see a finish line together.

Today is an extraordinary day. Congratulations.

Psalm 146:

¹ Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

² I will praise the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

³ Do not put your trust in princes,
in mortal men, who cannot save.

⁴ When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.

⁵ Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,

⁶ the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
the LORD, who remains faithful forever.

⁷ He upholds the cause of the oppressed
and gives food to the hungry.
The LORD sets prisoners free,

⁸ the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.

⁹ The LORD watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

¹⁰ The LORD reigns forever,
your God, O Zion, for all generations.
Praise the LORD.

I am a terrible blogger.

2010-05-22T00:39:00.000-05:00

It's true. But it's summer now, so maybe I'll take the time to transfer things from my journal into here or to just sit back and write. I've had a lot on my heart and mind lately, but don't expect too much of me quite yet. We'll see. :)

the way i am.

2010-04-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

"I wouldn't want a boy to think I was pretty
unless he was the kind of boy who thought I was pretty."
-Everything is Illuminated, Jonathon Safran Foer

"I knew a clean man
but he was not for me.
Now I sew green aprons
over covered seats. He

wades the muddy water fishing,
falls in, dries his last pay-check
in the sun, smooths it out
in Leaves Of Grass.
He's the one for me."

-Lorine Niedecker

this is why i sleep outside.

2010-03-09T00:56:00.000-06:00

www.coburnsayyes.com

"February 23, 2010

Dear Dr. Coburn,

My name is Bethany Haley, and I am the President and Founder of eXile international. I am also a psychologist who has a practice in Nashville, Tn and who does trauma work and art therapy with the children who have been tortured by the Lords Resistance Army. Please
find the drawings of the former child soldiers and formerly abducted children. I returned from Congo and Uganda three weeks ago where I heard stories of:

NORMAN who was forced to kill his parents, chop them to pieces and eat their flesh. He is 12. He wept uncontrollably as he told me his story. His name is NORMAN and he is real.

I listened to BARBARA’s story of how she ran from the LRA rebels, but was caught after they shot her in the head. She survived. The scar on her right temple proves it. She is also 12. She did not cry when she told her story. Her heart is frozen.

I heard RICHARD’s story of how he was abducted and also forced to kill his parents and hack them to pieces with a machete. His shirt was drenched with tears when he was finished. He is 14. He is real. He is a great leader and beautiful young man.

I heard ROSE tell of the children she works with in the trauma center in Gulu, Uganda. How the rebels of the LRA forced a boy to kill his brother by biting him to death, Forcing him to tear pieces of flesh off of his brother’s body while he was alive - until he died.

I heard how the LRA forced two other brothers to slice pieces of flesh off of their sister’s face while she was alive and then rape her. She survived – but one of the brothers killed himself out of guilt.

Dr. Coburn, these are real children with real stories. These stories are not new. This has been happening for 23 years. Twenty-Three years, Dr. Coburn. It is time to stand up for what is right.

Dr. Coburn, you are putting a hold on a bill that would finally call the United States to take action against such crimes against children. Some things are not ok. Some things are bigger than technicalities and dollar bills.

This is one of them.

We ask you to stand up for what is right and just and release your hold on this bill. These children cannot come to you with their stories – but we can. We cannot release the hold on this bill to get it passed – only you have the power to do that. We ask you to use your
influence in honor of these children and in memory of those who have lost their lives.

You can read more of these stories on the blog on our website:
www.exileinternational.org.

Thank you for your time.

Best,
Dr. Bethany P. Haley, PhD, LCSW"

Some of the drawings that were attached with the letter, from the eXile children

So, if for some reason, you don't know yet- either by noticing that I look or smell like I've been living outside for a week, or by me telling you, or whatever- I have been holding out in front of Senator Tom Coburn's office since Friday Feb 26th. The hold out has now lasted 232 hours. Those of us who have been out there are standing in support of a bill that has gone before congress that requires the US to help end the 23 year long war in Northern Uganda, the longest running war in Africa, and to set up rehabilitation programs to help the recovery of Northern Uganda and set up sustainable economic opportunities. Currently the bill is blocked from passing by one person- Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, who I greatly respect for his desire to keep our debt low and to maintain a responsible policy on overall spending. Let me stress that this campaign that we have been running is in no way an Anti-Coburn campaign. He held the bill originally because it increased spending by 40 million dollars. The bill has since been amended to say that the money would be pulled from ALREADY EXISTING funds for foreign aid through the state department, and thus the national debt would not be increased in any way. Let me rephrase that: whether or not this bill goes through, those funds will still be appropriated for foreign aid. No extra spending is added to the budget. That money can not go to "America's issues," because it IS set aside for foreign aid.
Though his demands have been met, he still refuses to withdraw his hold. I wont bore you with all the details, but feel free to comment and ask me about them and I will respond to you.

This letter was written to Senator Coburn by the president of eXile International. We read it every morning last week to remind us of why we are holding out in front of Senator Coburn's office and to help keep our focus on the children of Northern Uganda. The "sacrifices" we have had to make, though some are more than others, are absolutely nothing in comparison to what these children have been through for the past 23 years. The rain we are standing in today, the cold wind that has hit us every morning? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This letter hit me really hard, and I would like you all to read it. I encourage you to check out www.coburnsayyes.com and sign the petition asking Senator Coburn to release his hold on the bill that could help end the war in Northern Uganda. If you'd like to do more, feel free to join us out in Oklahoma City at Main and Broadway- the Chase Bank building. :) We will be out there until Dr Coburn releases his hold on Senate Bill 1067.

Lonely Home: Part Trois

2010-01-11T01:57:00.000-06:00

For the third time in the past year and half of me living here, I sit in my duplex with an empty second room. Three times have I watched a roommate pack up and leave. Three times have I called on the Lord in desperation to show me my faults as a roommate and help me determine why they left. And three times have I scrambled to find a new roommate as quickly as possible.
I'll tell you one thing, it sure does mess with your self-esteem. Luckily, this time, I know who is moving in. A good friend of mine was hurriedly looking for a place to live, as I was seeking someone to move in. The phone call to her was a reminder that the Lord is sovereign and is watching out for me, even when I feel that no one else is. And though I couldn't be more thrilled to soon be living with Laura, a woman who encourages me in my walk with the Lord and with whom I can talk about my struggles and my joys in Him, it still hurt to see the door close behind Audrey after we packed her bookshelf into the car.

As I sat in my vacant house earlier today, as I feel I've done so many times, I began to look back on my time in this little place I call home:

It was on this porch that I sat with Cassie, talking about anything and everything, the smell of smoke strong and perfume sweet.
This living room saw the best relationship I've ever been in, and the hardest break up I've gone through.
It was in this hallway that I dropped to my knees and cried for two hours on the phone to my best friend after yet another frustrating day as a black sheep in the school of music.
This kitchen... and Audrey... saw me fail at new recipes and rejoice with successes.
These floors have held many a roadie and friend who needed a place to crash.
This bedroom forced me to face my fear of night head on, as I realized that the Lord could walk me through it.

This house is a constant reminder of what I've been through, and how the Lord has been faithful to provide. He has walked me through laughter and tears in this house and has used each relationship that has come out of it in a different way.
My nest is not empty long. A good friend of mine just got a beautiful bird tattooed on her foot. We talked about how we like that birds can make their home anywhere, and out of anything. Not just a house- but a home. This duplex I live in is small, cold, doesn't have a good dishwasher and my washer and dryer are terrible. There are holes in the corners and scuffs on the walls, but it is a home. Next December, after graduation, the Lord may pick me up and move me somewhere new-- but until then, I will be thankful for what I have. For the thorny vines in my nest just as for the soft cotton. I am excited about a new semester with a beautiful friend and seeing how the Father helps us rebuild our home together.

I celebrate the day...

2009-12-24T21:58:00.001-06:00

Though my heart is a flurry of excitement with the idea that I may have my first White Christmas tomorrow, that is not the reason I'm celebrating this Christmas season. I also can't wait to give my mom the present I've had in mind for a couple months now, but that's also not why I celebrate. Nor is it that I totally know I'm going to get this great dress (I didn't peek... I was there when my mom bought it), but again- I have a completely different reason for my joy tonight. That joy is totally all Christ. But when I look at the fact that He was born with a purpose- to die on a Cross- it's kind of depressing. My mom told me about a kid in one of the sunday school classes at her church. They were telling the Christmas story in sunday school, and while everyone else was happy, he raised his hand to ask:
"Wait... is that the same Jesus who dies on a cross?"
His teacher replied that yes, indeed it was. And with a sad look on his face, he raised his hand to ask another:
"But... why would God do that? Why did He have to make His son die?"

It's a question that perplexes me to this day. Why us, God? What makes us worthy? Nothing.
But in it all, God gets the glory that He deserves. Because Christ was born in a stable and died on a cross, God was glorified above all.

So why do I celebrate? Because Christ was born as a sacrifice for my sins. Because He died, I live. I not only live the life I was given when born of my parents- but I live a life that has been bought with his blood and is being sanctified. I can walk with Christ personally because He was born fully God and fully man. And above all, because God is glorified in the birth of a baby, so pure, by a virgin named Mary, in a humble stable in Bethlehem.

One of my favorite Christmas songs:

"When the babe was born.
In a manger on the hay.
God saw a veil torn.
He saw Good Friday.
He was born to die.

Gold laid before the Christ.
Incense, His presence is sweet.
Myrrh to signify victory over death's sting.
He was born to die.

It came in a dream.
To Joseph late one night.
That Herod sought the King.
But could not take His life.
He was born to die.

He said, "You won't take my life.
You won't take my life.
You won't take my life...
I lay it down."

We came here today
to celebrate His birth.
But let us not forget
why Jesus came to earth.
He was born to die."

- Thanks, Shane and Shane.

Setting My Crate On Fire

2009-12-07T16:01:00.000-06:00

Chenn yo kase koun ya mwen lib,
Jezi so vele det mwen peye!
Ak anpil fos gras li renye-
La mous san fin, gras infini.

Dave Edwards told a story the other night about Henry Box Brown: A slave who shipped himself in a box to an abolitionist office in the north so that he would be free. For 27 hours days he was trapped in a small wooden crate, handled without care because that was the price of his freedom.
He went on to discuss how we ourselves were once slaves to sin- confined in our small wooden crate। However, Christ paid for us to be set free. With His blood, His death, He opened the lid on that crate and offered us a helping hand out of it.
We are no longer slaves to sin, but some of us still chill in our box. Others have been let out... but, like I have so often, hold on to that box, or move close to it, so we can climb back just in case we need to.
But, as Dave posed, would Henry Box Brown ever have gotten back in his box? No way. Not a chance. He was set FREE- so why would he choose to hold on to the bondage that held him in?

It was a story I needed to hear. I am so guilty of holding on to my crate that Christ let me out of. Little things that I know I need to let go of in order to be fully bonded to the Lord and not be held under sin. But I'm working to not only run from that box, but I'm lighting a match to set it on fire. This box can not and should not contain me- for it is not my master.

What's in your box? And why are you still holding on to it?
Set it on fire with me.

Romans 6.1-14
"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.
For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."

Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

2009-09-15T02:33:00.000-05:00

How long, O Lord, must I fight for joy?

The sorrows that bind me are so heavy sometimes. Father, I'm tired of fighting- I am becoming so weak. My heart aches for You, for Your will, Your people--

please, my GOD, have mercy on me!

I'm beaten, broken, bruised, bleeding, Lord, for your Name- for Your glory! I have rejoiced in my suffering and in Your never-ending grace... even still, I know there is a purpose:

I know You are exalted in my brokenness.

My Father, my Creator, my Saviour-- rescue me now from my sorrow. Deliver me into the hands of mercy, freedom, joy. There is power in Your hands, blessed Redeemer.

But Lord, if it is Your will that I continue to fight--

My King, I will fight.

I will be broken and used up for as long as I live.

And in that darkness,

I will fight for strength, for peace that only comes from You.

Holy One, remember me.

Worried about Obama's Speech?

2009-09-06T12:32:00.000-05:00

A couple tidbits from authors who are not me regarding the speech and authority.

First. John Piper's blog from today:

I am stunned at the outcry against the President of the United States speaking to the youth of this nation about the importance of education.

I am embarrassed by the governor of my home state saying, that the president’s plan to address them is “disruptive . . . uninvited . . . and number three . . . I don’t think he needs to force it upon the nation’s school children.”

This speech seems, for me, to be an answer to a prayer that I have prayed for the president repeatedly.

Father, the condition of our schools and families is so broken that nothing seems to be working, especially for the poor in our urban centers. Help our president to have the courage to use his amazing place of influence to speak into this situation in such a way that boys and girls would take their studies seriously and put school above sport and homework above hiphop and graduation above gangs.

O, Lord, create a culture where it is not cool to fail. Give our President the courage to call all children, especially ones who feel hopeless about academic work, to fight for knowledge the way gangs fight for turf.

And as the President plans his speech, help him to feel as helpless as he really is to meet the greatest needs of the children, so that he turns to Jesus who alone has the answer for the ruin and the wrongs of our cities. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I hope my daughter hears the speech.

Secondly, an excerpt from a devotional book my dad has been reading. It's called Thoughts from the Diary of a Desparate Man by Walter A. Henrichson, written in 1999. The passage for today seemed very appropriate:

"If the anger of the ruler rises against you, do not leave your place,
for calmness will lay great offenses to rest." Ecclesiastes 10.4

God does not promise you that the authority He will place over your life will be good. Sometimes he puts you under the authority of rash people who are capricious in their behavior. When that happens, you must avoid two things:
First, don't become the slave of authority. You are solely the slave of God. Observe, inquire, and form opinions, but remember that you belong to Christ.
Second, don't despise your authority or rebel against the "system;" it is God-ordained. "There is no power but of God. The powers that be are ordained by God." (Romans 13.1)
Wardlaw said, "The weak reed, by bending in a rough wind receives no hurt, while the sturdy oak is torn up by it's roots." When authority is brash and unreasonable, don't resist it. Keep your mouth closed and God will quiet him down. "The Lord shall fight for you and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14.14) Solomon continues by suggesting that a wise person maintains objectivity and observes what is happening. It is difficult to place things in perspective during such times. Wisdom sees things as they are and responds properly rather than reacting.
Maintaining power over your spirit is a higher virtue than proving that you are right. You can only do this by remembering that God placed the authority over you and will not allow him to harm you.

I just encourage you to pray for our President rather than simply curse him. God is still God whether the leader of our nation is Republican, Democratic, Communist, White, Black, Asian, Jewish, Christian, or Athiest. God is still in control.

Will I See You With My Hair Down?

2009-08-16T18:38:00.000-05:00

This is in response to an excerpt from Authentic Beauty, posted sometime last November?

It's what I’ve always wanted- that perfect dress that Chelsea once said I would never find- I have it. The soft white fabric glows under the mid afternoon sun. Each detail is just how I imagined it to be- with its flowing skirt, sweetheart neckline, and satin champagne ribbon at the waist. I hold out my hands to examine the sleeves made of a delicate lace pattern.

That’s when I see them. The chains that have bound my hands for so long are in striking discord with such a tender dress. My hands are rough and calloused, showing years of toil; my wrists, scarred from bumps along the way, but both are hidden by the satin gloves that match the ribbon. As I glance down at my bare feet, I notice the chains surrounding them as well.

“How will he love me?”

I stand in the middle of a dirty parking lot, between two oversized vans.
“Surely” I think, “Surely this is no place for a wedding…”
As he nears me, I can’t quite make him out. Suddenly, the wind picks up, blowing dust all over my dress, and I feel so worthless.

“How will he love me?”

Someone walks behind me, slinging a backpack over my shoulders. It's so heavy, and the weight causes me to fall, ripping the bottom of my dress.
I stand watching him walk towards me- this tattered mess of a bride- hoping he can love me, as a tear trickles down my face.
I look down at the ground as to hide my face from him, knowing that I can not be the beautiful bride I had planned on being. I can feel his presence as he stops in front of me.

The tears stream down my cheek as guilt and shame fill my heart. I have messed up so much, and I don’t deserve him. He takes my hands, removing the gloves carefully, revealing each scratch and blister.

“I’m sorry” I cry, still unable to look my true love in the face.
“Beloved,” he whispers, “I am yours, and you are mine.”

His gentle hands reach up and pull the veil back from my tear-streaked face.
“I love you, Janelle,” He says as he lifts my chin.

I look at Him, his eyes so full of love and concern.
His words dissipate my fears- I know that He loves me truly and deeply, and in this moment I am His forever.

I look back at my hands as He holds them and I see no scars, no chains on my arms, and my feet- free to run and dance. The dress once again glows a soft white, no dirt or tears in the fabric.
I no longer stand in that dusty parking lot, but at the edge of a river. The hills rise up around me, flowers pink and yellow in full bloom. Sweet smells fill the air, and a bird flies above, singing out its glorious song of praise.

I feel beautiful once again. He who calls me His precious bride takes the backpack off my shoulders and puts it around His own. I begin to protest, but He simply smiles and repeats,

“I love you, Janelle.”

Kenya Dig It?

2009-03-24T03:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is the most overused Africa-related pun. Not that I know too many, but I'm sure I could find a few.

Anyway, this is a 2am post because I can't sleep. . . what's new?

I just want to ask for your prayers:

This summer, I will be volunteering at Maisha International Orphanage in Kisumu, Kenya.

While we are in Kenya, we will spend a few days in Nairobi and then help at an arts and culture camp there in Kisumu (actually started by an OU student!). I will also, hopefully, get to meet the girl I have been sponsoring through Compassion Int'l-- Elizabeth! She is 5 and will turn 6 on July the 5th, and, oh man, she is as cute as can be. She lives just outside of Kisumu so that will be freaking awesome! The trip total is a little under a month- from June 3 to the 25th. (I'm semi bummed because I'll be coming back just a few days before my 21st birthday! How a-stinkin-mazing of a birthday present would it have been to be there on my birthday?! Hahah.

Am I freaking stoked? Heck Yes. Does this feel real yet? Heck No.

Here is the deal- I have to raise a stink ton of money in only a couple of months due to coming onto the team so late in the game. I need your prayers, and if you so desire, your financial support. I will be sending out support letters soon, so if you want me to send you one, facebook me your address or email it to me at hope4afrika@yahoo.com.

On second thought, I may just post it as a note on facebook or send it out as an email to friends around here to save some printing costs... hmm..

But, send me your address anyway. :)

So that is a quick update. I did write a bit in the past couple weeks in journals and such- some that I would like to share with you. So... something is coming. I get a D- for keeping up with this, but I'm not quite failing yet.

2009-03-07T03:35:00.000-06:00

The past couple days have helped to remind me why I do what I do- what it is the drives me to be a music teacher.

Where to pick up again

2009-01-31T19:12:00.000-06:00

So much has happened since my last post, I'm struggling to find myself motivated to pick back up. I have some things scribbled in my journals, but never complete blogs. And the only ones that are complete... well.. I would never put up on here.

This past semester was rough, to put it lightly. Think heavy-duty-sandpaper kind of rough.

There were things that were out of my control, and others that I only made worse with my attitude and my laziness in dealing with them. Still others that could have been altogether avoided had I done things differently, and I'm finding it hard to not beat myself over things in the past.

I promise I will have a new blog up soon. The Lord has been working, my friends. He's been working in my life, and in the lives around me.

For now, I'm simply asking for prayer. Prayer that I can find the words to write to express what I have in my head- because it's there... it's just not wanting to be splayed out for the world to see; to hold me accountable.

Low Food Security

2008-12-22T13:12:00.000-06:00

Apparently, the USDA has decided now that we have no "hungry" people in America--
Just people with low food security.

Goooood.
Tell that to the homeless man (oh. excuse me. The man with low housing security) who is begging for food. No. He's not "hungry"
"Sir, you just have low food security. I'm sure you'll find better luck later"

Now, when they pass out and go to the hospital due to malnutrition, would you call that "Low nutrition security?"

And pray tell, when that man who started out with "low food security" dies....

Are you trying to tell me that he just has "Low life security?"

I don't know if you can read that statistic... So I'll help you out
"30,000 kids die EACH DAY due to poverty."

Good to know.

Prince Charming: Except from Authentic Beauty

2008-11-13T03:27:00.000-06:00

"After years of convincing myself that all my searching for love had been in vain, a most unusual thing happened. I discovered my prince. All of my confusing female desires and seemingly foolish princess dreams now found their purpose…in him. This love story did not happen merely because of an amazing stroke of good fortune. It did not occur simply because I happened to be in the right place at the right time. This beautiful romance was made possible by something far more tangible, something that lies within the grasp of every young woman. The following account of the love story I discovered may seem like a surreal daydream, but it is far closer to reality than you might guess. So please don’t be tempted to write it off as unattainable. Your feminine heart may be much closer to finding true love than you think.

~ ~

He was someone who I had known for years. He had been a close family friend. He had many appealing qualities, but I had never really thought about him in a romantic way. It was true that he had a sensitive and tender side that I had seen on a few occasions. But he also was extremely passionate about truth and I felt that he sometimes came across a little too strong on certain points. To be honest, he intimidated me. It also seemed that he was a little too involved with “church stuff.? When I thought of him, I was reminded of Sunday School lessons with flannel Bible story characters or gold offering plates – this was not exactly the atmosphere for true love!
He was one of those people with a piercing gaze that can see straight into the depths of your soul. Because of this, I had gone out of my way to avoid him for the past few years. For some time now my life had been a chaotic mess of compromise and confusion. I didn’t want him to see what I had become. If he found out what I had done, I was sure he would sternly reprimand me and remind me that it was too late for me to ever discover anything more. But I soon realized I was very, very wrong about him.
I found him waiting for me by the apple trees near my back gate one day as I headed out for a morning walk. I was startled to see him there, surprised that after all these years and all the times I had ignored him, he still wanted to spend time with me. I gave him a tentative glance, and he smiled at me – a tender, intimate smile that made my heart lurch in spite of myself. I quickly looked away.
“Can I walk with you?? he asked in a gentle voice. I nodded, still avoiding his gaze, and he fell into step beside me. We made our way in silence for a while, listening to the occasional chatter of a squirrel or high-pitched
high-pitched chirp of a robin. I kept my eyes on the gravel path at my feet.
“I missed you,? he told me simply. Though it was obvious to both of us that I was the one who had put the distance between us, there was no hint of accusation in his tone. I bit my lip and nodded again, unsure what to say in response.
We walked a little further, and I realized his presence was both refreshing and comforting. I could feel his tender eyes watching me, silently telling me how important I was to him, though I could not figure out why. Nothing else was said during the rest of our time together that day, but I sensed that something more was about to happen between us. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready.
Our friendship slowly grew. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized how utterly different he was from any man I had ever encountered. In him, there was nothing of the sex-hungry glances I had received from the guys at school growing up, not a trace of the flirtatious teasing that had always surrounded me, and not a strain of the seductive charms I had grown so accustomed to in men. But somehow I knew that he loved me. That he deeply desired me. That he found me beautiful. I hardly dared to hope that I had finally found the one man that could fulfill those long-forgotten dreams of mine. Even if he could be my prince I was sure I had found him too late.
“This is completely crazy,? I told myself aloud one night as I tossed and turned in my bed. “He wouldn’t want someone like me.? I was convinced that his love for me would shrivel up in a second if he truly understood how many mistakes I had made. I didn’t think I could risk becoming attached to him. I had been hurt so many times I didn’t know how much more pain my heart could handle.
I had another worry. He didn’t live his life the way anyone else did. He stood out like a neon billboard on a lonely desert highway. He was mocked and misunderstood by quite a few people in my life. I knew he would not fit into my world, would not be accepted by my friends, and would not be at home in most of my surroundings. How could I possibly love someone like this? What did he expect me to do – walk away from everything in my life just to be with him?
I wrestled with my fears for weeks. He never pressured me to make a decision. He simply reminded me, in a hundred different ways, that he loved me and that he longed for me. He was infinitely patient, tender, and sensitive...the kind of prince I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. He made the immature romantic wanna-be’s that had historically gained my affection seem like pitiful counterfeits. After seeing the real thing, I couldn’t believe I had fallen for such poor substitutes. But at the same time, I couldn’t help wondering whether or not he might just be too good to be true.
The more time I spent around him, the more something
something inside me desperately wanted to just surrender and fall into his waiting arms. But I was afraid to let myself trust him. I was afraid of what that decision might cost me.
Over time, gradually, like the moving of the hour hand on a wall clock, my guard came down. No matter how many times I pulled away from him, his love remained unmoving, like a majestic unwavering mountain overlooking a tumultuous ocean. I had even tried to convince him that I was not good enough for him. I’d told him in detail, with hot tears flashing in my tormented eyes, exactly what I had done with my life, heart, and body over the past years. But instead of judging me, I sensed he was inwardly weeping over every piece of my shattered heart. Coming face to face with this kind of infinite kindness left me stunned.
One morning as I was sitting alone on a bench in the crisp spring air, I felt him softly approach me. He didn’t have to speak. I took a long look into the unfathomable depths of love in his eyes, and I melted. With tears coursing down my face like a cascading waterfall, I fell into his arms and told him passionately that my heart belonged to no one but him. At that moment, my life, my pursuits, my friends, everything I had built my world around faded away into nothingness. None of it seemed even remotely important anymore. Nothing mattered now but him.
As I whispered my devotion to him, a brilliant peace crept steadily into my heart and began to quietly mend its broken pieces. His eyes were wet with tears of unspeakable joy. I felt like an eagle gliding freely along the majestic mountain peaks following an afternoon storm. I had finally found my prince. He had gallantly searched for me and rescued me from my horrible dungeon of captivity. He had loved me in spite of my wretched ugly condition. He had taken the filthy rags I was clothed in and given me the sparkling gown of a beautiful princess. His amazing love had fully revived my shattered, wounded, bleeding heart. And though I knew that now I must sacrifice all I had ever known in order to be with him, there was not a shred of doubt lingering in my mind. It was like giving him a pile of worthless pebbles and receiving a houseful of priceless jewels in return."
- Leslie Ludy, "Authentic Beauty"
-------------------------- -----------------------------

All my life I've dreamed of the day when I would walk down the aisle, wearing a big white dress and gloves, with beautiful pearls around my neck and in my hair.
I've dreamed of meeting HIM. That guy who will sweep me off my feet and hold me and be there for me through everything.

But all I have to show for my search for this perfect man is a broken heart. Now that's not to say that every guy I dated treated me horribly, because that's far from the case! But in the end, I've just come out of the whole dating process in general scarred. I have painful memories and things I regret. I think back to my dream in a white dress and I have to ask myself...
Could he even love me? I mean, really. I've messed up so much. I am a failure... is there anyone out there who will love me like the princess I want so badly to be?

It's like suddenly I don't deserve a big white dress with beautiful satin gloves and pearls-- but rather a trashbag and a string of cheap plastic beads..

Who doesn't want what Leslie described? What girl would honestly turn away from that?

Stop telling yourself that you can't have that too- that she took the "last prince".

Although their story is absolutely beautiful, the memory that Leslie described was not of her and Eric.... but of a Prince so true and faithful that He will never leave, even though He knows her deepest secrets- jesus.

He knows everything about me, there's nothing I can hide from Him, even though I try. It's so hard to look Him in the eyes sometimes and say "please... I'm so sorry". I've caused Him so much pain-- yet He still stands there, waiting.

And He stands there waiting for you, too.

Every princess needs a prince. My one True Prince will hold me close and NEVER ever let me go. I have nothing to offer, but He loves me- every shattered and broken and tainted piece of me.

Mali, Lord?

2008-10-15T11:42:00.000-05:00

You know what my heart's answer is.

Keep me at Your feet, O Lord.

Guide me that I may know Your will and that I will be given wisdom and discernment in this new opportunity. Lord, take my fall 2009, take my education, my heart, my LIFE and shape it as Yours alone- that I am not selfish or wanting, but that I am content in wherever You place me.

I praise you, Jesus

2008-09-23T00:33:00.000-05:00

for You are the ultimate healer. I praise you for the peace and comfort you have given me the past couple days.

Heal us, oh Lord. Have mercy on us.

I love you, Father.

If you ask me

2008-09-18T01:29:00.000-05:00

how I'm doing with this, don't expect me to know what to say because my heart changes every 5 seconds, I swear.

One moment I'm fine, the next I'm definitely not. I don't know. My heart is just in a weird place right now.

But the Lord is good, and I'm trusting that this is right.

It just sucks for the time being.

Christian first. Baptist second.

2008-09-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

I find myself gradually becoming more and more Baptist.

Had I said that last year, I think that would have scared me and I guarantee I would have run from it- but I love what the Lord is doing in my life, who He is shaping me into.

That being said, this past week has been really hard- I've gotten quite a bit of opposition from both non-Christian and Christian friends for my faith. I would be a horrible liar if I said that it didn't break me from the inside out. A few blogs ago I posted about being an honest and bold Christian, who isn't afraid to share the gospel. And I know a lot of the opposition to what I believe stemmed from that post and people taking me to be "too conservative." Here is me saying "Yes, I admit it: it's hard and it kinda sucks." Being rejected by your friends- especially those who share your faith- hurts more than I can explain, but I know that it could never compare to the brokenness I imagine Jesus felt when His people- His family, friends, people in the church who had known Him since He was a child- turned on Him to put Him on the Cross.

My faith rests confidently in the Word of the Lord. Not in men, not in myself, not in some feeling I get after a good night of worship and prayer- but in the rock solid Word of God.

Father, You are mighty and powerful. I praise You and I desire to glorify You in all that I am! I long to bring honor to Your name, even though I fail time and time again. Almighty, I've been so beat down by my friends this week. Friends, God, whom I have trusted in for many many things. You know how their words and actions have hurt me, but God I ask that you help me to stay bold in my faith. Lord, give me words to speak that are filled with your truth and balanced in love so that my tongue does not cut through ties of friendship. Lord, I need Your discernment to be able to pick out Your voice above theirs... and above anyone's! Your truth is the truth I base my faith around, not the human idea of a "relative truth". I know Your words in Provers 2:6 say "For the Lord gives wisdom: out of His mouth comes knowledge and understanding." Lord, I cry for your wisdom that I may see my faults. Silence the doubts that arise in my heart and tear them away with your truth. Father, I ask that you help me be humble to accept correction from brothers and sisters in You so that I may not hinder myself from learning more about You and Your awesome ways.

God, I praise you. You are more complex and more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Thank you for who You are, and for who You are molding me to be.

Darkness and Tree-shadows.

2008-09-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

Who actually reads this? Pretty much no one. So I'm okay just writing for no one in particular.

I'm a wimp. I hate the dark. Which is strange, because I'm such a night person- I hit my prime around 11 or 12. But I do, I'm terrified of the dark. It reminds me that I am so alone and vulnerable. And you know what else I hate? The shadows that things make on the window when there is a little bit of backlighting- be it a streetlamp, or just the moon. It freaks me out and I just don't have good memories of shadows. Or windows. Or darkness.

So I have legitimate reasons. But still, I feel like a 5 year old.

Tonight, I'm watching the tree-shadows. These shadows don't dance as I've seen some do. They don't play and jump excitedly. These branches yell and push and pull. One of the branches on the tender tree outside keeps swaying forward and the shadow makes it look as though it is hitting a smaller branch repeatedly. I know how that smaller branch feels.

I'm not trying to use elegant words and beautiful descriptions, if I was I would be failing miserably. But, as I said earlier, no one actually reads this except for me.

Tonight I want to hide under my covers, I want to run from this dark I know well. Everywhere I look there are shadows and windows and memories. Fear.

Sometimes it's killer being a night person. The midnight fear is always the worst. Lucky for many of you morning-people, you may never experience it. The midnight's fear is not just a fear of men, oh no. It's a fear of your past, of your future, of the trust you place in people, of the trust you place in yourself. It's a desire to be someone different, but knowing that nothing can be done until tomorrow. It's having the big branch hit you on the head over and over and over- with truth, pain, envy, memories, and worry.

I'm not in the mood for tree-shadows. Not even if they danced for me. They almost never do.

I'm not in the mood for darkness. I hate the way it makes me stress.

I'm not in the mood for windows. But then again, I'm rarely in the mood for windows at night.

Really, if you want to get down to it, I'm not in the mood for anything. I'm just in a bad mood.

Hooray.

Can I just say:

2008-08-31T22:42:00.000-05:00

that the Lord blows me away? I mean, seriously, the things that I don't comprehend about Him... they are limitless. I'm going back through Romans and finding all the different facets of the Lord, and I can't even begin to understand. I can't think about His wrath that goes alongside His unending grace and mercy; His incredible power- that mighty fortress of strength- that lies in one hand, and the lamb-like meekness in His other. God is so... crazy. So amazing. So perfect. So... I don't know. The 26 letters of our alphabet cannot form a word that fits Him.

He is God.

He is.

He.

Also, as I've been reading through Romans, I was given a key verse- it's kinda the summation of the first 11 chapters. The first 11 go through theology, while chapters 12-16 are the application of that theology. Romans 11:36 gives a perfect answer to the question "WHY??"

"For from Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Amen. I mean, wow. It's so true. Everything is for the glory of the Lord. Everything is from the glory of the Lord. Everything is His- so I need to make sure I am reflecting that in everything.

It's beautiful. And challenging. More like beautifully challenging. I've had it written on my wrist for the past few days to remind me.

My God? He's gloriously incredible.

Take this as you will...

2008-08-22T15:20:00.000-05:00

Call me old-fashioned. Call me legalistic. Call me a CHRISTIAN. I dare you, but I get so frustrated with the idea that we can be inoffensive, passive Christians.

It CAN'T be done.

THE CROSS IS OFFENSIVE.

THE BIBLE IS OFFENSIVE.

CHRIST IS OFFENSIVE.

And I'm not just making that up. It's Biblical.

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

"For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love. You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. I have confidence in the Lord that you will take no other view than mine, and the one who is troubling you will bear the penalty, whoever he is. But if I, brothers, still preach circumcision, why am I still being persecuted? In that case the offense of the cross has been removed. I wish those who unsettle you would emasculate themselves!" Galatians 5:6-12

That doesn't seem like a shallow, lovey-dovey, hippie gospel to me.

Don't get me wrong- I love being a hippie and loving on people. It's what I do.

But love..without TRUTH? It's empty.

We absolutely can not be afraid to step on toes. It's sickening.

Mark Driscoll has a sermon called Death By Love in which he gets angry at the idea of being "inoffensive Christians." I like this quote a lot:

"At one of the largest churches in America, the pastor said 'We don't talk about sin. We don't talk about blood. We don't talk about death. We don't talk about hell. We don't talk about the cross- because we don't talk about things that people find offensive.'
Well then you don't talk about JESUS. And THAT is offensive."

AMEN. We, as modern Christians, are so terrified of being conservative! We are terrified of being seen as crazy and heaven forbid we lose a friend because we shared the gospel.

But, friends- if you aren't sharing the gospel... your LOVE of your neighbor is POINTLESS. It is completely IN VAIN.

I don't care if you gave your life savings to the poor and fed 600 hungry in one day and drove your new friends to Walmart because they didn't have a car and don't know English well-- if you aren't sharing with them your faith in a way that doesn't sugarcoat the gospel, that doesn't turn Jesus into a long-haired, wimpy, girly boy... you are doing NOTHING to further the kingdom of the Lord.

I recently watched a video by a popular pastor, in which he encouraged Christians to avoid words like "sin" and "repent" in connection with Jesus.

I'm sorry, but without "sin", there is no forgiveness. Without repentance, we can not meet with Christ.

The gospel of Christ, His truth is being lost in the murky water of modern-day Christianity. It is being perverted to something so much LESS than what it is.

What are we so afraid of?

"If the professed convert distinctly and deliberately declares that he knows the Lord's will but does not mean to attend to it, you are not to pamper his presumption, but it is your duty to assure him that he is not saved. Do not suppose that the Gospel is magnified or God glorified by going to the worldlings and telling them that they may be saved at this moment by simply accepting Christ as their Savior, while they are wedded to their idols, and their hearts are still in love with sin. If I do so I tell them a lie, pervert the Gospel , insult Christ, and turn the grace of God into lasciviousness." - Charles Spurgeon

Jesus, I want a righteous anger. I want to be furious about things that are not of the Lord.

I want it to disgust me. I want it to repulse me. I want to be so angry that I do something about it. Lord, forgive me for being afraid to step on toes and afraid of losing friends. Your glory is more than enough for me and I should be willing to give up all of my dignity for it. I know that your gospel is offensive and I know that people will be turned away because of it- but Lord, I don't want to stand in front of you and say that the things I did on earth were not eternal because I never had the guts to share your name in connection with anything other than a wimpy man-god version of who YOU ARE. God, you are MIGHTY. You are HOLY. You are more powerful than I could ever imagine. Help me to stop creating an image of you that is simply a man. Help me to be bold and to have confidence in the cross, to know that the cross is bloody and disgusting and that if I am not sharing the offense of that, then I am not sharing You.

Things you should check out:

Mark Driscoll's "Death by Love"

Charles Spurgeon's "The Offense of the Cross"

Steven Camp's "Removing the Offense of the Cross"

I may have gone all over the place.. but I'd like to hear your response.

I love you, my friends.

.janelle

Being polite... at any age?

2008-08-08T11:35:00.000-05:00

I don't get it.

Okay. Here's what I get: I GET that I look young. I GET that "one day you'll be happy about it".
What I don't understand is why people feel that it is socially acceptable to point out how young a person looks.

Example from this morning at a garage sale:
Me: I’m just looking for an end table for my new place.
Homeowner: Really? Aren’t you a bit young to move out on your own?
M: I’m actually in college.
H: Oh! Are you getting excited about heading off to the dorms and meeting new people? Where are you going to be?
M: I’m a junior at OU… I just have my own duplex now…
H: Wow! You just look so young! Kids these days.

Gee, thank you. Thank you very much.

And then another favorite: I went to the doctors office back in April. The receptionist asks me- “Now, are you 16 yet?”
Um… I was 4 years ago. Does that count? A simple, “Can I see your license? I need the number for insurance,” would have sufficed. Again, I appreciate the thought.

So here’s my thing. Because, like I said, I know I look young. I know plenty of people do… but you would never walk up to a 40 year old after you found out their age and say, "Oh man. I thought you were at least 55!" You would be considered horribly rude! You would never tell an older person that they looked ancient- that would be distasteful. You wouldn't have to lie- just keep your mouth shut as to not offend.

So who makes it okay to tell people how young they look, before they are at an age where that might even remotely be considered a good thing? No 20-something wants to be told they look as though they could be in high school.
It makes me angry that people can get away with those things under the guise of, “Trust me, you’ll appreciate that when you’re older.”
Under that pretense, it would be completely okay for me to tell some old lady just how OLD she looked as long as I followed it up with, “You would have appreciated that when you were younger.”
Hi. Not okay.

I’m asking that you ALL show some respect- be it to someone older or younger, or even your same age. If you make a mistake when judging their age, don’t make a big deal out of it- especially if you hadn’t previously said what age you thought they were. If they tell you that they ares 23, keep the words “Dang, I guessed you were 17..max…” in your head. Don’t tell someone how much older/younger they look, unless you are absolutely POSITIVE that it would be taken as a compliment. I don’t care how old you are, learn to have a bit of tact.

That’s all. ☺

An hour and 15 minutes

2008-07-19T01:44:00.000-05:00

I have one hour and 15 minutes until I leave for the airport.

Get excited, world. Get excited.

As I mentioned in the last post, please be praying as often as you remember for my team and for the hearts of people that we meet. I want to love on people that I meet, even though I can't spend one-on-one time with them. I want the Lord to be glorified through and through. As I sit here, working on lesson plans and chillin with Custis and Lauren, my heart is racing. I'm nervous to death. I'm afraid that I will say something wrong, or teach something in a fashion that doesn't get across what I want to get across... but the Lord will work no matter what. The Lord is mighty and will work through my failures, thank goodness.

Lord, work through my team and me this week. Let us glorify You, even when our human faults shine through brighter than ever. I love you, Father. You are Good, even when I am not. I lift up the lives of my team and I ask for safety. I ask that you put us in situations that are out of comfort zone, and will push us to cleave to You. Lord, reveal yourself to the hearts of those we come into contact with. If they do not know You, God, POUR OUT UPON THEM! Let the people's of the nations shout Your glory!

I love you, Father.

I love you, friends :)

I am praying for you and missing you.

Art that breathes... and other rambles.

2008-07-16T10:12:00.000-05:00

((This is a 3 part blog. I have three completely different things to address, I just haven't had any other time to get on. Okay, that's partly a lie. I haven't had the words to address them in. See part one.))

I don't remember the last time I really just poured out into my art.

I mean, woke up that morning, got out of bed, and raced to my camera or to my pencil, ready for the day. I miss that.

I miss the feeling of a stack of blank paper, ready to be written on, and actually having ideas flowing from me. I miss the feeling of the film winding and already having 15 more shots pictured in my head.

This dry spell is taking a toll on me.

I want to write and I want to take pictures. I want to create something from my inspiration- but I feel like I have none. A good friend of mine and I have talked about how when she's painting, it's such a sweet alone time with the Lord... and really, it's the same for me. It's a place where the Lord can meet me and I'm open with Him. A lot of my work has never been seen by anyone but me, simply because it is my place of intimacy with my Lover. What is keeping me from meeting Him there anymore?

Is it fear of failure? Lord, I miss having time with you in my art. I can see a lack of drive in my photography, my writing, even my voice.

I want to meet with you. I desire to spill my passion for you onto a new canvas, I just need you to open me to what you are pouring in, because I feel like I'm closing myself off to you. I want art that breathes your truth to the nations.

"He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40:3

-----

I've been asked a couple times about my name. Taraji527.

Taraji is a word that the Lord laid on my heart a couple years ago, as he begun to point me in the direction he wanted my life going. It's a word that reminds me of my joy in the Lord and how much love He has for the world. Taraji is swahili for "hope for". As many of you know, I have a slight bit of an obsession with Africa. In fact, I'm getting an african footprint (like this http://www.ualberta.ca/~saga/images/shirts/old/footprint2.jpg) tattooed on the top of my right foot with the words "Taraji 527" written through it. It is a reminder to be in constant prayer for the peoples of Africa, and the world. I have HOPE that the Lord is working, even in the darkest places, those that seem hopeless.

The numbers 527 are important to me because of Isaiah 52:7. "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns.'" You may have caught this, but I also have a thing about feet. Hah. Some people hate feet. I love them. In fact, I started a photo series called "Beautiful Feet" once. I would like to one day finish that. It's funny that I love feet... because that's one thing I hate about myself. I have funny looking feet. I danced for several years and ran track for a long time. My feet are NOT what I would call "beautiful feet", yet the Lord tells me that they are! Crazy. That verse, and that number, has been everywhere for me recently. License plates, clocks, I wrote a check the other day for $52.70. To me, 527 is a sign of peace in the Lord's plan for my life and joy in His heart for the nations.

So there you have it Taraji527. ... And feet ...

(Side note. I just talked to Blair a minute ago and she said she saw a guy today with an Isaiah 52:7 shirt. Crazy times.)

------

Lastly, but definitely not least:

In 2 days and 7 hours, I will be driving to the airport to leave for Haiti. Yes. Haiti. Les Cayes, specifically.

I'm pretty stoked :) I listened to my Haitian Bible Songs cds last night on the way home from Falls Creek and I danced, sang really loudly, and just got excited for what the Lord is going to be doing while we are there.

In case you have yet to hear about the trip, I'm going for 10 days to Les Cayes, Haiti, with 5 others from my church. I'm the youngest.. the next two are in their 30s, then one in his early 60s, and then two in their late 60s. Not exactly my normal crowd to hang out with, but I couldn't love my group more. We will be going to teach music in a camp that the missionary has run every summer for the past 16 years! I will be helping with the choir, as well as teaching voice and helping in the beginners piano class. Additionally, we will have devotionals in the morning, and I'm hoping that the Lord will provide sweet opportunities to really talk with the Haitians and find out what their background is and how they see the Lord working. I'm telling you this in order to ask for prayer. Some things specifically:

1. Safety. That may seem like an awfully "mom"ish thing to ask for prayer about- but Haiti doesn't exactly have the best reputation as far as sexual assault and what not. I think thats one thing that the Lord is going to work with me on, just trusting Him for my safety. Not being dumb and just trusting anyone I meet, of course, but not being afraid to step out and go to a place that is slightly scary for a 20 year old girl who has had issues with that in the past. Sometimes I struggle with the idea of living in a poor country and how dangerous it might be for my family (if I'm lucky enough to have one!), but who am I to turn God down simply because I'm frightened?! Psssh.
2. Communication. We will have a translator there with us, but there will still be a huge communication and cultural barrier! Living with an international student this summer, I've realized that I'm not as good at breaking past that as I'd sometimes like to think I am, so just prayer that it wouldn't get in the way of us sharing the gospel.
3. Worship! There is this wonderful quote in this book I'm kind of obsessed with (Let the Nations Be Glad: The Supremacy of God in Missions) that says "Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exist because worship does not. Worship is ultimate, not missions..." I think that sums it up well. We are there to glorify the Lord on high. As a music nerd, it's easy to get caught up in the details of composition or the imperfections in the piano piece, but we are not there just to teach music. We are there to worship and to bring glory to Him.
4. Humble hearts. (which also ties back to worship) Pray that my team and I don't get caught up in what we are doing that we forget that He doesn't need us. He doesn't need ME or anyone else to go and teach these men and women. His name will be known no matter what. That quote I just mentioned goes on to say "...because God is ultimate, not man. When this age is over and the countless millions of redeemed fall on their faces before the throne of God, missions will be no more."

God could use the next person, or the next, it doesn't matter who he uses. His Will will be done, and He will reign forever and ever, even after my time on earth is up, after every person I meet on this trip's time is up. It matters not. What matters it that He is Lord and His name is perfect.

I know that the Lord is going to work a lot in us and through us next week, and I can't wait to be there :)

Okay. I guess that's about it. Sweet. I love you all, and I'm praying for you specifically.

-----

Lord, I just lift up my life to You tonight. I am ever grateful for how You have changed my life and turned me away from my shameful past. I give up my selfish desires to You and ask that You take hold of my heart. Take hold of every piece of me- my passions, my creativity, my voice, my LIFE, God. I praise you for giving me a voice to sing with, a mind to write with, and an eye to see your beauty. Find me faithful in how I use the gifts you have given me. I surrender them to You and only You. Take those talents, Lord, and waste them up on Your glory.

Father, pour out your blessings upon the readers of this blog. Allow them not to hear my jumbled thoughts, but to hear YOUR voice coming through. Lord, work in the every beating of their hearts. Your plan for them is so perfect, so beautiful, so intricate and amazing. I love them as my own family and I know that my love for my friends and family is NOTHING compared to Your heart for them, for the people of Your kingdom. Let me see Your kingdom, help me express Your love and beauty and truth.

Ruin me next week, I'm begging. Allow me to never again see myself the same. Allow me to never again see You the same. Break my heart for the people I meet and rip me to pieces when I think about the lost sheep. Don't let cultural barriers frighten me away! In fact, make it so that I strive even harder to communicate the urgency of Your gospel. Keep me humble and worship-minded, and focused on You, Father.

I love you, my glorious King. My heart wanders sometimes, but You hold it next to Your own. Thank you.

.janelle

An ache so strong it consumes me

2008-07-07T23:07:00.001-05:00

I long desperately tonight. Every single thing in me cries out for the peoples of this world to know Your name.

Jesus, I'm crying for you. I'm crying for your people, Lord, please.

Why do you have me here? When the only thing I desire is you and the advancement of your kingdom throughout the people groups living in the unreached nations, in the slums, God, in the deserted corners of the abandoned warehouse? I want to see Your name exalted in the regions that have not been touched with Your truth. Why do you still have me in America, Lord?

I placed my heart at your feet. I'm waiting on you to tell me where. Please tell me where.

I wake up crying for your people who are lost in darkness and in a world without hope. Pierce the dark, God. Pierce it with your light.

I want to be there to hold a candle, if nothing else.

Isaiah 49:6- "It is too light a thing that you should be my servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob and to bring back the preserved of Israel; I will make you as a light for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth."

Isaiah 52:7- "How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns.'"

Nahum 1:5- "The mountains quake before him; the hills melt; the earth heaves before him, the world and all who dwell in it."

Habakkuk 2:14- "For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord as the waters cover the sea."

Haggai 2:7- "And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the LORD of hosts."

Mark 13:10- "And the gospel must first be proclaimed to all nations"

John 10:16- "And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd"

How can I ignore the call? Lord, Here I Am. Send Me.

. H O M E S I C K .

because a dream without action is simply that.

What a difference a day makes.

One. Whole. Year.

That being said, I would like to take this space to quote some good friends of mine regarding the experience:

We will stand in solidarity. We will not back down. We will see this through to the end. And you better believe that you'll see 50 familiar faces rejoicing together when at last the peace comes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Someday, the light will shine like a sun through my skin & they will say, What have you done with your life? & though there are many moments i think i will remember, in the end, i will be proud to say, i was one of us."

when being at the top feels like the bottom.

the story of His glory.

untitled.

reminding me it's alright to dream.

Beats. Books. Blogs.

I planned

glory glory glory.

Anger vs. Peace.

on celebrating birthdays.

Failure. Brokenness. Forgiveness. Repeat.

Movers and Shakers.

on flirting.

and thus I make it my ambition to preach the Gospel...

ten twenty. twenty ten.

‎

on losing your best friend.

because

what in the world? (pretty literally)

just because you can't see the sun doesn't mean it's not shining.

Larov

privilege is relative.

wwjd bracelets, jelly bands, livestrong, silly banz, you.

John 12.24

The man who never tiptoed.

rejoice in the life.

roses.

summer girl.

Extraordinary

I am a terrible blogger.

the way i am.

this is why i sleep outside.

Lonely Home: Part Trois

I celebrate the day...

Setting My Crate On Fire

Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

Worried about Obama's Speech?

Will I See You With My Hair Down?

Kenya Dig It?

Where to pick up again

Low Food Security

Prince Charming: Except from Authentic Beauty

Mali, Lord?

I praise you, Jesus

If you ask me

Christian first. Baptist second.

Darkness and Tree-shadows.

Can I just say:

Take this as you will...

Being polite... at any age?

An hour and 15 minutes

Art that breathes... and other rambles.

An ache so strong it consumes me

"Someday, the light
will shine like a sun
through my skin
& they will say,
What have you done
with your life?

& though there are
many moments i think
i will remember,
in the end,
i will be proud to say,
i was one of us."